Half A Century Down…

Another one to go. It’s my 50th birthday, I’m just chilling on the couch enjoying some peaceful time alone. People have been asking me what I’m doing for my birthday, my answer has been nothing. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do today, I’m going to enjoy my day. I have the love of family and friends, a roof over my head and my health (for the most part), what more could I ask for? Every time I answer this question with “nothing”, people look at my with pity almost, like I simply can’t do anything. I could, it would mean some financial sacrifices, but I would take the consequences if it were important to me, but I really don’t care. I will sit here with my family and enjoy a nice night.

I see my family and friends feeling bad for not being able to afford something big. They think they hide it, but I see it. I just hope they can understand that I truly need nothing but love, not that any of us could afford, anyway. I’d love a new jeep, and to have won the lottery, it would’ve been nice to wake up rich. Hell I may have because I still haven’t checked my lottery ticket. Hopefully my next post will be about winning the mega millions and all of the things I’m planning for it. Of course there’s a lot I want to buy for myself, but I have plans for my family and friends as well as a few charities that I feel passionate about…

I guess I have a few things that bother me about turning 50, but none of the things I thought would. I regret some of the choices I’ve made with my children, my husband and others. I’ve never really been keen on the idea of going back and changing things because I have always felt that it would change the present as I know it, and I’m happy, but there are a few things I would change. I would change the lifestyle we led during some of the darker years, it’s so strange how a lot of it is a blur at this point. I did do fun things with my kids, including those that aren’t actually from my body, but if I could go back, I would change the amount of time I spent with them. I would make sure they knew without a doubt that they were loved, that they were(are) the most amazing things in my life. I know they know they’re loved, but I feel like I definitely could’ve been there for them more and in better ways. I would’ve stepped back and let my husband parent more. I tended to baby them and take over parenting them. If I’d gotten out of Chad’s way, he would’ve been more free to teach them lessons that I’m too weak to. He could’ve taught them things that men should know how to do, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I did take over the parenting role too much. I’m a control freak and I’m thankful my husband is still around, no matter what we’ve endured over the years.  I would change some of the ways I’ve handled relationship issues in the past. I know I’ve not been the most attentive wife, I could definitely have done some things differently. I know some of you who may read this know us personally and are rolling their eyes right now but this is a post about the things about me that I would change from my past, me alone.

I would attempt to be less naive. I was once told I was “blissfully unaware”, by someone who was actually in the same exact position I was in at that time. This was not intended to be a compliment. I do, in fact, have a tendency to be up in the clouds. A supposed trait of a Pisces, but I feel like I should work on this. I feel like I’m more aware of my surroundings than I used to be, but I also tend to not trust myself to see the things right in front of me, things I very well should notice. I have to be able to believe I am no longer “blissfully unaware”, even if it’s not entirely true. I have a natural tendency to trust people, almost blindly. I believe I have lessened that trait a bit through the many years I’ve been on this earth. I may have a more jaded vision of things now that I’m older, but I like to think I’ve maintained some bit of hope for the future of humanity.

I would also change the state of my past health. I grew up not knowing how I actually looked. Like most teenage girls, I had a distorted body image. I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy and, for some stupid reason, I assumed I was stuck with it. It truly wasn’t just laziness, I genuinely believed I was stuck with the weight. I had eating issues when I was younger and was told that I had “messed up my metabolism”, this meant to me that I wouldn’t be able to lose the weight so I never truly tried. I was stuck in this mindset for many years. My children have never actually seen me at a healthy weight, only in pictures. I’m actually getting there now and I’m thankful that I can now work on my health and be a good influence for my children, finally. They’re grown now, mostly, but I’m hoping it’s never too late to model healthy behavior; or to figure out how to do so. I would definitely change the fact that I spent most of my life unhealthy and unhappy with my appearance. I am slowly not only working on my health and appearance, but also on my perception of myself. I am trying to see the truth in the mirror, not the lies my brain has told me.

Obviously, there are a lot of things I would change if I could do it all over again. Mostly though, I really don’t want to go back. Everything I’ve been through up until this point has shaped the person I am. I may not be happy with the person I have been, but I’m starting to learn to love the person I’ve become.