Adulting Sucks!

If only kids these days could understand just how important it is to enjoy their lives in the moment. Obviously, not everyone has the opportunity to enjoy their lives as children (this is disgusting to me and a rant for another time).

I know when I was younger, I couldn’t wait to grow up. As a young child, you just want to be a teenager, then you just want to be able to drive. Then, of course, we all can’t wait until we’re 18, or graduated from high school or college. We all think that this will automatically liberate us into some amazing new life. We’ll be able to make all of our own decisions, but these “adult” decisions are never what we expect or imagine them to be. The illusion is that we’ll get to go to bed when we want, eat and drink what and when we want.. that we’ll be able to finally enjoy all of the perks we imagine to come with being an adult.

The real kick in the ass is when we actually become independent adults, when we are truly responsible for everything in our lives. We have to work our asses off for the simplest everyday essentials, for a roof over our heads, for sustenance, and for transportation. It takes real money for everything in life. There is no shortage of hands reaching out waiting to drain us of all we have worked so hard for.

As if financial worries weren’t enough, there are plenty of other things to worry about. As a single adult, we have to decide what it is we truly want to do with the rest of our lives. If we’re lucky, many of us get to do something we enjoy. Many don’t get that opportunity. Many have to work in physically difficult, mentally exhausting or otherwise less than ideal conditions. MANY adults do. We have to procure living arrangements, means of transportation and worry about how to feed ourselves.

Eventually, most of us have others to take care of besides just ourselves. Fur babies are adorable and offer nice companionship, but also come with responsibilities all their own. Of course, it becomes even more difficult when we add more people to our list of responsibilities. We find partners to enjoy our lives with and have children. All worthwhile additions, but this also comes with a whole new set of worries. This becomes unlike any worries you’ve experienced before. With a spouse, you have this whole other person whose feelings and opinions should be considered when making decisions. You constantly worry about their health and well-being. Am I being attentive enough? Am I helping enough or letting him/her shoulder the majority of the worries? Am I being the partner they deserve to have?

Oh, and add children, then you suddenly have little humans who depend on you to simply survive. This is a new stress that nothing can truly prepare us for. You have to worry about feeding them what they need to grow properly, you have to make decisions about care when you just can’t be there to do it, whether it be due to working or an unexpected event that causes you to be absent for any given amount of time. You have to have someone you can trust with the lives of those who have become the most important to you. We begin to worry about their education, are we sending them to a good school? Are we homeschooling correctly? It’s so hard these days, I’m sure it was equally as difficult for my parents, but I don’t remember having the same worries as now. I don’t think my parents had to actually worry about us being killed for simply being at school on the wrong day. The school systems these days are becoming less and less adequate. They are losing funding and having to get rid of important learning tracts. My child’s school has taken away the art program, they have taken out the welding, industrial learning tracts and they no longer offer foreign language. We live in a small community and this is probably a large part of the amount of funding the schools have, but I’m sure school systems in larger, more prominent communities face a lot of the same issues. You have to worry if your children are getting an education that will prepare them for the upcoming awakening they are about to experience by becoming adults, the very knowledge we were oblivious to. Yet, you also have to worry about what they are actually teaching our children. Are they teaching them life lessons that have no place in an educational setting? Are they teaching them things you feel are entirely inappropriate or are they teaching them at all. We then begin to worry about their secondary education. Will they be interested in further education, do we have the means to send them? Are they going to grow into happy adults? Will they struggle the way we have? The answer to that is simply yes.. our children will struggle in some ways, just as we do. It’s part of adulthood. All we can do is hope we have prepared them to not struggle as much as we did.

Then as we age, so do our own caretakers, our parents and other beloved elders. We grieve all those lost along the way, young and old. We constantly ask ourselves “why did this have to happen?” about numerous things happening all around us. What’s worse than this, though, is seeing those we love suffering the same losses and heartbreaks. It’s one thing to experience these things ourselves, but to also see those we love grieving without being able to do anything for them is especially difficult.

I realize my worries are not the same as yours. I know not everyone will relate to the issues I’ve mentioned, because we are all individuals in the end.. even identical twins are not truly identical in every aspect. No matter who we are, we all have people or things we are responsible for and things we are in no way prepared to deal with. We all have worries that occupy the back of our minds all day and keep us from sleeping at night. If only we had known when we were younger. Would we have enjoyed our innocence more, or would we lose it worrying about all of our future worries??? Just a little food for thought…

Half A Century Down…

Another one to go. It’s my 50th birthday, I’m just chilling on the couch enjoying some peaceful time alone. People have been asking me what I’m doing for my birthday, my answer has been nothing. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do today, I’m going to enjoy my day. I have the love of family and friends, a roof over my head and my health (for the most part), what more could I ask for? Every time I answer this question with “nothing”, people look at my with pity almost, like I simply can’t do anything. I could, it would mean some financial sacrifices, but I would take the consequences if it were important to me, but I really don’t care. I will sit here with my family and enjoy a nice night.

I see my family and friends feeling bad for not being able to afford something big. They think they hide it, but I see it. I just hope they can understand that I truly need nothing but love, not that any of us could afford, anyway. I’d love a new jeep, and to have won the lottery, it would’ve been nice to wake up rich. Hell I may have because I still haven’t checked my lottery ticket. Hopefully my next post will be about winning the mega millions and all of the things I’m planning for it. Of course there’s a lot I want to buy for myself, but I have plans for my family and friends as well as a few charities that I feel passionate about…

I guess I have a few things that bother me about turning 50, but none of the things I thought would. I regret some of the choices I’ve made with my children, my husband and others. I’ve never really been keen on the idea of going back and changing things because I have always felt that it would change the present as I know it, and I’m happy, but there are a few things I would change. I would change the lifestyle we led during some of the darker years, it’s so strange how a lot of it is a blur at this point. I did do fun things with my kids, including those that aren’t actually from my body, but if I could go back, I would change the amount of time I spent with them. I would make sure they knew without a doubt that they were loved, that they were(are) the most amazing things in my life. I know they know they’re loved, but I feel like I definitely could’ve been there for them more and in better ways. I would’ve stepped back and let my husband parent more. I tended to baby them and take over parenting them. If I’d gotten out of Chad’s way, he would’ve been more free to teach them lessons that I’m too weak to. He could’ve taught them things that men should know how to do, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I did take over the parenting role too much. I’m a control freak and I’m thankful my husband is still around, no matter what we’ve endured over the years.  I would change some of the ways I’ve handled relationship issues in the past. I know I’ve not been the most attentive wife, I could definitely have done some things differently. I know some of you who may read this know us personally and are rolling their eyes right now but this is a post about the things about me that I would change from my past, me alone.

I would attempt to be less naive. I was once told I was “blissfully unaware”, by someone who was actually in the same exact position I was in at that time. This was not intended to be a compliment. I do, in fact, have a tendency to be up in the clouds. A supposed trait of a Pisces, but I feel like I should work on this. I feel like I’m more aware of my surroundings than I used to be, but I also tend to not trust myself to see the things right in front of me, things I very well should notice. I have to be able to believe I am no longer “blissfully unaware”, even if it’s not entirely true. I have a natural tendency to trust people, almost blindly. I believe I have lessened that trait a bit through the many years I’ve been on this earth. I may have a more jaded vision of things now that I’m older, but I like to think I’ve maintained some bit of hope for the future of humanity.

I would also change the state of my past health. I grew up not knowing how I actually looked. Like most teenage girls, I had a distorted body image. I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy and, for some stupid reason, I assumed I was stuck with it. It truly wasn’t just laziness, I genuinely believed I was stuck with the weight. I had eating issues when I was younger and was told that I had “messed up my metabolism”, this meant to me that I wouldn’t be able to lose the weight so I never truly tried. I was stuck in this mindset for many years. My children have never actually seen me at a healthy weight, only in pictures. I’m actually getting there now and I’m thankful that I can now work on my health and be a good influence for my children, finally. They’re grown now, mostly, but I’m hoping it’s never too late to model healthy behavior; or to figure out how to do so. I would definitely change the fact that I spent most of my life unhealthy and unhappy with my appearance. I am slowly not only working on my health and appearance, but also on my perception of myself. I am trying to see the truth in the mirror, not the lies my brain has told me.

Obviously, there are a lot of things I would change if I could do it all over again. Mostly though, I really don’t want to go back. Everything I’ve been through up until this point has shaped the person I am. I may not be happy with the person I have been, but I’m starting to learn to love the person I’ve become.

After the Cookouts…

Looking for something to do to wind down after all the cooking and eating this beautiful long weekend? Why not grab a great book??


Mayhem & Maypops
When sheriff Jeff Baxter overhears one half of a conversation about way to kill a person, he’s sure he is on the trail of an assassin. His investigation into Miranda Osgood is hampered by the unwelcome desire to kiss the living daylights out of her.
Miranda is confused when the handsome sheriff treats her with ill-disguised disdain while giving her looks that has her melting, especially after he kisses her stupid.
Add in a town full of eccentric (a nice way of saying bat-shit- crazy) relatives in a small town in Western KY and you have a recipe for mayhem. Maybe he just needs a soothing cup of maypop tea.
This is the fourth installment in the Kentucky Love Series by L.S. Story. A wonderful romance series set in rural Western Kentucky.


“I have a life long love affair with happy ever after, and can most often be found with my laptop on my balcony, in a comfy camp chair in the wood, on the beach, and other lovely places around this country…”
I first introduced L.S. Story when I shared an interview of her by another author back in February. If you missed it, you can find the original post here.
Look her up on Facebook and Amazon to learn more about her and all of her great books!
If you haven’t yet devoured any of these quick reads, please go check them out! I don’t believe you’ll be disappointed if you love romance! Feel free to leave reviews on Amazon as well!


Lilac Evenings (Kentucky Love Book 1)
When Stuart ran into Tamra it changed his entire life. Raised in an unemotional household, he was little prepared for the world she opened up to him. Getting her on the same page could be a little difficult but he was up to the challenge.


Austin’s Rose (Kentucky Love Book 2)
Austin didn’t “fall in love” with Jessie. He saw her and was in love at that moment. There was no falling as he tells her. Jessie believed her past would always affect her future. Austin changed her mind and convinced her they could have a future together. But someone from her past puts her in danger, and Austin is helpless to stop it.


Love Songs and Honeysuckle (Kentucky Love Book 3)
When country music superstar Dustin Landers hired B. K. Ashcroft to renovate the 200 year old house his friends talked him into, he didn’t expect an auburn haired bombshell named Bridget to turn his world upside down.
Bridget was hiding her emotions ever since the tragedy that had led her to escape to her grandmothers estate in Ireland. Now she just wanted to pursue the career she loved. Restoring old buildings to their former glory.
Neither were prepared to have their skeletons come to light.
Litterally.
She also has to offer this fabulous stand alone story!!


I Gave My Love
They met and fell in love five years ago. One misunderstanding drove them apart, in anger and pain.
Lorna Thomas had kept to herself the pain she suffered. Raising her son on her own, she gave up a promising career as a recording artist, and gave all her love to her son. Determined to never allow anyone close enough to hurt her again, she was not prepared when Brett Davis came back into her world.
His entire world had been shattered, and he held on to the distrust and anger for five years.
After their unforeseen reunion, he was going to use her to rid himself of the need which had never faded.
Although she could not deny the fires he caused to burn in her blood, she was determined to never let him learn of her pain, and of the secret she kept.

Proud Mommy Moment

Yet again, my oldest child had a small writing assignment and, in my opinion, did a great job!  Yes, I realize he’s mine and others may not be quite as optimistic about his writing ability as his momma…  But hey, if I can’t use my blog to promote my amazing boys, then what’s it for??

The assignment was to create a short story (about half a page), the only criteria given was that someone should be running from something..  Here’s what he wrote.

He ran after her.  Running for her life, she was terrified.  She looked behind her and there he was.  A mysterious, shadowy figure chasing her.  He looked to be at least seven feet tall and very muscular.  There seemed to be no break in the dim forest they were running through when suddenly she heard a deep grungy voice behind her yell CAROLINE!  She almost jumped out of her skin screaming.  How do you know me?  All of a sudden out of no where a river appeared in front of her.  She looked around and there was no place to hide and no place to run.  He gets to her and wraps his hands around her neck.  She can’t breath.  Her vision is going blurry.  She is still being choked.  She can’t see now.  Then suddenly, she wakes up.  Her mom is calling her so she isn’t late for school.  She was shaking all day.

Keep in mind, he’s 14 years old.  I did not do any editing to the story.  I feel like I should post it just as he wrote it.  It’s a very short little story, but that was the assignment.  I think it has quite a dark feel to it and I was starting to be concerned as I was reading it, but once I got to the end I realized he was describing that feeling more than anything else.. the feeling you can get from an intense dream such as this, or just the general claustrophobic feelings you can sometimes wake with.

I am posting this with his permission and will be sharing your comments with him.  Thank you for reading!

In my comment below, I mentioned another story he wrote and I posted.  It was not as easy as I expected to find it, so if you’d like to see more of his work, click here.

Proud Mommy Moment

Third grade student of the month!!

Proud Mommy Moment

My oldest son had to write a short story for a school assignment about the Trail of Tears.  Of course, as most kids do, he put it off until the very last minute.  He sat down in front of my laptop and wrote this.. It took him only a few minutes..  I know there’s some editing that needed to be done, but I wanted to post this as he wrote it.  Keep in mind, he’s 14 yrs old and literally wrote this in minutes.  I thought it was pretty good and tried to urge him to do more writing, in a journal or something.. He told me writing was boring and he didn’t want to!  He loves to read, I kinda thought writing went along with that, but I guess not.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it, I’m a proud mama and wanted to share.

Blackhawks Down

By Kylar Green

There I was, on the wagon to end the Blackhawk-rebellion.  We been fighting them for two years and we have lost a lot of troops.  I’m new so I don’t know many people but there is one, his name is Charles and he’s been my best friend since boot camp.  Neither of us minded moving the Indians, we both thought that it was our land they’re living on.  But nothing could’ve prepared us for what would happen.

“Hey James”  Charles whispered into my ear.

“What” I replied

“We better get there quicker, my legs are falling asleep” he said quietly trying not to wake the other soldiers.

“Not to mention this bench we’re sitting on isn’t very comfortable”

We laughed a little too loud and woke one of the up, “SHUT UP” he said through gritted teeth so we both leaned back against the musty walls of the wagon.

We were jolted awake by the sudden stop of the wagon.

“Right here” I heard our platoon leader say, “This looks like a good spot to set up camp.”  As I got up I heard Charles say thank God we’ve stopped I need to pee.  He got a few dirty looks from the other soldiers but he didn’t care.  I’ve not known him for more than a year but I know he doesn’t care what people think about him.

“James,” he said “do you think we’ll be okay?”

“Sure we will, we’re just providing an escort service.”  I told him.

“It’s just..” he mumbled.

“I know.”  I replied.  I had completely forgotten that he’s getting married.

“Done stretching, get up and set up camp!” our platoon leader shouted.

“I don’t know how you eat that stuff” said Charles as I got my ration of refried beans.

“What are you talking about?” I asked “It’s the best thing in the world.  As we were finding a spot to sit down, two guys stood up and started boxing.

“Is that normal?” I asked.

“I guess, the platoon leader is watching and seems to be enjoying himself.” Said Charles in an oddly enthusiastic way.

Later that night it was hard to fall asleep.  I was in a tent with five other men and suddenly I wish they hadn’t served refried beans.  Drowsiness finally caught up with me and in the morning we loaded the wagon and set off.  We were told this was our last day of travel and the wagon was filled with anticipation.  We’ve all been excited most of the day but even the toughest among us was a little scared.

When we got to the village I was so scared but I still followed orders.  A battle broke out and we killed so many Indians.  I was starting to doubt whether we were doing the right thing or not but we still loaded all that was left of them into a couple wagons.  After we traveled a couple of days many had died.  I found Charles trying to help in any way he could but still there were so many deaths.  One night me and him were talking and decided that this wasn’t right but we still had to follow orders.

One night I was helping out but I couldn’t find Charles.  Then the next morning we were loading up and I found Charles lying stiff and cold on the ground with no jacket or shirt.  He had frozen to death helping them.  After we brought them to their new home I rode to Charles’ house and told his family the bad news.

Welcome To The World, Karley Marie!

My baby brother is 9 years younger than me, we were always very close and I love him very much.  He and his beautiful wife have an amazing 7 year old who is my princess.  17 days ago, they brought another little princess into this world.  This was to be a wonderful day that so many of us looked forward to, Karley Marie was born, beautiful and loved!

 (ignore the date, my camera is set wrong)

Soon after she was born, she started turning blue.  The doctors said she had some fluid on her lungs due to being born via c-section and she would be just fine.

The next thing we knew, they were gearing up to fly her to Kosair Children’s Hospital in Louisville, Ky.  They had done a chest x-ray and found out that she actually had been born with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH).  This is a very dangerous condition in which there is a hole in the diaphragm, allowing intestines and sometimes other abdominal organs to herniate into the chest cavity.  This can take up room meant for the lungs and cause them to not develop properly, sometimes not at all.  We were told she only had a 50/50 chance of survival.  Of course, I start researching this and found out that some babies with very little functioning lung tissue survive, while others with no lung damage at all do not and there’s no real way of knowing which babies will pull through and which will not.  It was a feeling that I, as wordy as I am, can’t find the words to describe.

Karley underwent surgery at just 2 days old.  The doctor’s said it could take up to 4 hours to perform, they were done in 45 minutes!  We were told that this had to have happened very late in the pregnancy, there was very little damage to her lung and only needed stitches to repair the hole in her diaphragm, instead of a mesh that is sometimes used.  She is a fighter!  She recovered and healed very quickly.  As of now, the doctor’s don’t expect any long-term issues associated with this.  What a little miracle!  I say she just needed to make a grand entrance, a little diva just like her big sister!

Karley is home with her family now and doing great!  She was in Kosair for 13 days, it could have been much worse and I’m so thankful things have turned out the way they have!

While she was in the hospital, my brother and his wife stayed in the Ronald McDonald house.  I don’t know if any of you have ever needed this, or has known anyone who has, but this is a wonderful charity and I am now a big supporter!  The doctor’s and nurse’s that took care of Karley, along with the wonderful people at the Ronald McDonald house are true blessings to so many scared families.  I feel like I owe them all a huge amount that I could never repay!  Thanks to them, God, and a very determined and tough little girl, I now have the pleasure of enjoying my nieces for a very long time!

If you would like to learn more about the hospital or the Ronald McDonald House Charities, please check out the links below.  They are truly wonderful!

Ronald McDonald House Charities

Kosair Children’s Hospital

Are You Smarter Than A 3RD Grader??

Apparently not..

So, a couple of weeks ago when I realized my 8th grader would be taking pre-algebra this year, I was actually excited!  Yes, the nerd in me came out full bloom.  I always loved algebra, and was pretty good at it.  Of course, he hasn’t needed my help much at all, to my dismay..

My 3rd grader on the other hand…  Not so lucky.  He has these flash cards he has to study for his math vocabulary test coming up.  As moms do, I was attempting to help him but it was the first time studying these and he didn’t know them much at all.  This meant I had to explain to him what it meant, and help him find a way to remember the definitions.  This was going quite well, until we came to this:

What??  What does that even mean??  How could I explain this to my son if I didn’t have a clue what it meant myself??  So I turned to Google, an act that I’ve gotten quite familiar with since helping my oldest with homework when he was in elementary.

Seriously?  Luckily they had a link to examples..

You’ve got to be kidding me?!?!?  Why the hell didn’t they just say estimating or rounding?  Could they not have put that little hint on the back of the flash card?  All of the others had examples, why not this one?  This was quite a few minutes we’ll never get back.  Searching Google just to help my 3rd grader with his homework, suddenly I’m not feeling very intelligent.

In my opinion, the way they taught us math all those years ago worked quite well.. Why did they have to go changing the way they teach now?  All these weird definitions and don’t get me started on the methods they use to solve problems these days!  That’s a whole other post in itself!

Day Two: A Room with a View

I’m trying my hand at this Writing 101 thing.  I missed out on Day 1, so I’ll do that privately, but here’s my attempt at day two.  Today’s Prompt: If you could zoom through space in the speed of light, what place would you go to right now?

Wishful Imaginings

I’m sitting in my office, staring blankly at my computer screen.  My children are on spring break, but instead of taking them somewhere fun, my husband and I have to work.  My days away from them are filled with texts with my older child and thoughts about how they are doing.  Are they having a good time?  Are they being good.  Do they need me?  I find myself concentrating on them strongly, picturing the scene of what they must be up to at this particular time.

Suddenly, I’m there, in the house watching, invisibly at first, their every move.  It’s as if in a dream, like a fly on the way. Suddenly they look up and not even trying to hide the excitement on their faces, they yell “hi Mom!”  My mind starts spinning, how did I get here?  Did I just completely forget the rest of my day at work?  I look at the clock and realize that something very strange is going on, for I should be at work for another three hours!  The realization of what has just happened starts to sink in and I can’t decide if it’s real or if I’ve nodded off at my desk, but I honestly don’t care!  All that matters to me is that it’s spring break and somehow I’ve been given a chance to make at least this day the very best possible.  I begin to wonder if I can do it again, and can I take people with me?  Again, my mind and heart start racing with the possibilities of the day.

Quickly I embraced my babies in a warm, but firm, hug.  As I stand there with all the love a mother could ask for wrapped around me, I begin to picture my husband and how much better his day could be spent instead of the hard labor he’s surely enduring at this moment.  What could we all be doing?  How can we make the best of this new power, or dream if it is that?

We’ve been wanting to take the boys to Florida to see the ocean.  I remember my husband and I taking a weekend bike ride a couple of years ago.  That trip meant so much, it was exactly what we needed in that season of our marriage, and we’ve wanted to return so that our children could experience it as well.  I just start focusing on that beautiful beach, empty except for just a few little families like ours scattered around.  I concentrate so hard on this image in my head that I actually start to feel the moist heat surrounding me and realize that I must be about to suffocate the kids by now.  I slowly open my eyes to let them go and gasp.

What I see before me is a sight more beautiful than my mind had remembered.  I am now looking at my loving husband and our two beautiful boys, but in the background is the bluest beach I had ever seen.  I hear the waves gently crashing the shore and smell the salty, crisp air.  We’re all dressed for the beach and no one seems to question why or how we got there, except for me.  That all disappears as my kids go running for the water.

I decide to take a moment to sit on the warm sand and just take it all in.  The sky is perfectly clear, with just a couple of those fluffy, cotton ball type clouds dispersed here and there.  The sun is shining directly over-head, and as I look out to the water I can’t believe how breathtaking it all is.  The water is a deep turquoise blue, with just the perfect amount of white showing as the waves cap.  To the left, there is a boardwalk teaming with life.  There are people walking up and down, some just standing at the railing looking out into the vast sea in front of them and some taking pictures of the amazing scenes playing out before them.

As I look again for my family, I can see other families dotted along the coastline.  There are other children and just at the water’s edge I see my boys, playing with some other kids, building sandcastles and burying each other in the sand.  The looks on all of their faces can only be described as pure joy.  Suddenly, I notice a shadow moving over me, I look up and see my adoring husband as he offers me his hand and asks me to go for a swim.

The water is so warm and inviting, there are these tiny little fish that I see darting in and out of the sand beneath the crystal clear water.  I see stingrays swimming under the boardwalk, I even see a “Dory” fish.  As he wraps his now drenched and salty arms around me, all I can think is that I can’t imagine being happier than I am right at this moment.

All too soon, the sun starts it’s descent in the sky and we head away from the beach to see what there is to do.  It’s getting darker now and we see this huge ferris wheel lighting up the sky, it’s so large and imposing but at the same time casts such a warm glow about the area.  I see people all over and at first think it’s some type of fair set up right here at the beach, but then I realize that it’s actually just the cool summer night life of this small, but wonderful, beach town.  As the four of us are stopped at the top of the ferris wheel, looking out over the alive settings below us, I stop to thank God for this day.  This has been the best day for us as a family in so long and I never want it to end.

The next thing I know, I’m back at my desk, slightly chilly from the air conditioning.  As my senses catch up with me and the stark whiteness of the florescent lighting invade my sight, I realize that I had indeed nodded off.  Unfortunately, there are no amazing teleporting powers flowing through me; I can’t just whisk my family off to exotic lands and have amazing adventures with them on a whim…

Or can I???

My New Ink

Hello Depression

I can’t say that I miss you when you’re not around. I mean, damn, my anxiety is bad enough.. you just want to pop on in like I needed something else right now. I don’t really like to use this platform for poor pitiful me parties, but sometimes it’s a must.

As so many others, I stay constantly stressed over money, bills and other financial obligations. My stomach turns every time I think of opening the bill book (a book in I write each month’s bills to attempt to keep them straight), I just get nauseous, and everything starts to get blurry. It’s stressful because we fell behind a while back and it’s been chasing disconnect notices since just trying to get caught up. It doesn’t seem to be helping. I know it’ll work out; I’m just getting tired of having to remind myself of this. I’m a true believer in positive thinking and its effect on your life choices, and thus how your life turns out. I just have such a hard time remembering sometimes.

It’s just been such a hard time lately. It was recently my youngest son’s 17th birthday; we really couldn’t afford to do much. We took him to his restaurant of choice, his brother, brother’s girlfriend and his “sister” were all there. He did enjoy that, I know. We also hung out with him, I could tell it was truly nice for him. But there was no actual gift and I hate not being able to give my kids things they want.

In November, we lost someone so very special to us. I’m not ready to actually put that out there yet, but his mother is having a memorial hike in one of his favorite places tomorrow. I think it’s really hitting me.

It started this morning with some hurt feelings, complete overreaction on my part. I decided to turn on music, I made a new Pandora station. A few songs in, a song my husband and I have dubbed as his came on. I lost my shit. I have to leave in about 45 minutes to meet with someone to buy some trees, and I have to get cash first. I’m going to look like a crazy person, since I just had to get on here and let some things out, I’ll be rushing in a bit to leave and won’t feel like messing with my hair or makeup. Eyes and nose red, I’ll either look high as hell or extremely contagious.

I have to say this blogging thing may be good for me. I have stopped crying nonstop and may soon be fit to be in public, at least long enough to do what I have to do.

As always, thank you for listening to the random, mostly unstable, thoughts in my head. I do appreciate all who take time to read them, and I hope something I have to say can help someone feel they can relate to someone else and realize it’s ok to feel the way they do.

I’m No Writer

After a few years away, I’ve finally started blogging again. I started out strong, a couple of posts without problems figuring out what I wanted to write about. Currently, I seem to only have time to write on weekends, or at least I tell myself that. I have had a few ideas recently, subjects I truly wanted to write about. The first was a lovely day I had out walking our property. By the time I finished my walk and actually had time to write, something happened to ruin my mood. I had another idea for a post, stemming from a few things that had ruined my mood that day. The problem with my brain is that if I don’t go ahead and write, the idea and motivation leaves me. I know, the simple solution seems to be to just sit my ass down and write. I don’t often have a computer; I bring my work one home since my last laptop gave up the ghost years ago. When I do have access to it, I’m either working or doing something that prevents me from being able to just sit and write.

Just like using the treadmill, which I actually enjoy, writing is just another activity that I’m very interested in doing but have been out of the habit for so long that it’s hard to get back into any routine. I know I’m setting myself up for failure by simply saying “it’s hard to get into a routine”. I truly believe in the “positive thinking” attitude. I do believe in manifestation and that you do bring about what you repeat to yourself. We have to be careful with our words, the words we speak to and about ourselves and about things around us. That’s another thing I’m working on reminding myself on a daily basis, trying to retrain my brain. I actually went looking online for writing prompts but all I got were things to write about or books to buy about creative writing, etc. This platform has a few on the home page, but very few and none really spoke to me. What I really want are prompts in question form or (my fave) the first line or two written, something I can jump off of and go with. I don’t necessarily care how real or abstract the idea is, I just need something my brain will grasp on to and run with. I have so much in my head usually that it’s almost blank instead and I can honestly not come up with any ideas to discuss. I don’t necessarily like writing the negative “poor pitiful me” posts, not often anyway. I just don’t want to use this platform to constantly complain. I will use it as such occasionally, but I’d prefer to keep it to a minimum and I’m the type to get into a rut and all of my posts will just be me venting.

This blog is for whatever random thought that may pop into my head, as the title implies. This does mean that I will often squirrel from one thought to another, and yes, that is the way my brain works. Yes, I know what a lot of you are thinking, ADD.. No, I do not have ADD and, with no disrespect intended, I believe this is entirely too over diagnosed. That is a post for another time, the point is that I do not have ADD. I actually recently discovered it is my anxiety causing certain issues plaguing me. One of the issues I noticed and bothered me in particular is that whenever I went grocery shopping and found myself looking for a specific item, usually canned or boxed items, everything on the shelves began to look the same. Not as in they all looked exactly like the same product, more like it all blurred just a bit and I couldn’t seem to make out individual cans or boxes. I had such a hard time that I often just said screw it and left. This was particularly a problem in bigger stores, I can only assume it’s because there’s more people. (I don’t know when it changed, but my whole life I was the type to feed off of crowds. I was always perfectly happy in the middle of a bunch of people, I could even stand in front of a crowd and speak. Now I can’t seem to deal with larger crowds (especially in close quarters) but the thought of standing in front of a huge crowd still doesn’t bother me. Once I started meds for my anxiety, this has gotten a whole lot better. I still don’t like to do it but can usually get through the shopping process without everything getting blurry. I do still have issues if it’s very busy and crowded, but it’s so much better now.

My first weekly interview

My beautiful Aunt Penni

Author Destini Rose

Soooo, I decided I wanted to start doing weekly interviews. I love asking people questions about their lives and try to understand why they do the things they do. I am, of course, going to try and concentrate on the creative people. And because that covers such a broad spectrum, I shouldn’t ever run out of people to interview <fingers crossed>.

My first interview is one of my favorite humans on this earth, and a fellow author, my grandmother. My article/interview will “air” next week.

If anyone ever asks me who my hero is, my thoughts automatically jump to this amazing woman, so I cannot wait to introduce you all to her.

So please stay tuned. Because next week I am going to delve into the life and mind of a geniously <I understand this isn’t a word, I am using it anyway> beautiful human being.

L.S. Story

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Blogging Anniversary

Wow! I had no idea I’d been on WordPress this long! I should really attempt to post more..

The Real Reason I Don’t Go To Your Church by Chris Kratzer

No, it’s not the music style, the lighting, or the programs.
No, it’s not that I’m lazy, disinterested, or bent towards worldliness.
In fact, I care deeply about spiritual things, long for community, and have a generous heart for serving people…
Very powerful post, I encourage you to check it out!
via The Real Reason I Don’t Go To Your Church – Chris Kratzer

Luck, Fate, Divine Intervention. (Or whatever you want to call it…)

I’m happy I stumbled onto this blog today! Very powerful post!

 

Calling Wildfire in Gatlinberg — aLightningbug

Firefighters are struggling to put out wildfires in Gatlinberg and Sevier County, Tennessee tonight. High winds may return overnight after a calmer day. Sevier County includes the popular Great Smoky Mountains tourist spots Pidgeon Forge and Dollywood. The fires started last week. But a mix of dry weather and extreme winds last night spread flames […]

via Calling Wildfire in Gatlinberg  — aLightningbug